I can't stand being alone, and life is still not fair with me and the little ones i have left, they moved or changed or never have the time. For 86 days I had you next to me, over me, under me and inside me. All I have left now is your pillow and the ghost of your arms, your legs and your smell. Last night I chocked on my tears to finally get some sleep, I was holding your pillow as hard as I could and I had to put another one in between my thighs because for 86 days, I wrapped my legs around yours and now there's nothing but air around them. I battle through the hours in between tears and cigarettes, I went back to a pack a day in less than 86 hours. My breathing is heavy, my stomach keeps flipping and all I can do is remember something about you and cry, either how soft my hair is and how much you would love it, or just take a look at the cigs you forgot at someone's house and I managed to get back. I got used to you, to your neck and how warmth you are at night. I got used to your way of being and I adapted mine to that and now its just me again and it hurts, and I have a hole on my chest that keeps me from laughing and my smile is just an open wound without you. I'd rather go bald than sleep alone and wake up in a sea of blankets with your smell in it, dreaming about long car rides in the cold open night. I forgot what it was to be here, in this dead end place, and it makes me miss waking up with the sun in my face, your face hiding in the cradle between my head and shoulders, and the furry balls jumping on my chest. I miss the late night tickles and the heat waking us up, the smell the cereal leaves after you heat it up and the water dripping from your hair after your shower. I had a really amazing time, and I'm so proud of wearing that band in my finger, it brings tears to my eyes; you're the best I've ever had and the best I've seen. I'm still amused by the way we love and how its not hard at all. Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done, but missing you is the hardest when even my bones call out your name and they get no answer in return. I hope we see each other soon, I love you to the moon and back 86 times.